So, a little less than a year ago I really thought that I wanted to date. That it had been long enough, and it was time. I mean it had been over a year. A full year. That’s the time when everything is supposed to magically get better after a death, right?
Except well, no one asked me out. Go figure. The overweight, middle aged, unemployed, still missing her dead husband, mother-of-four wasn’t a hot commodity. Who knew?
Also, as one friend put it, the dating pool around here is zero-depth-entry. Looking around my town I didn’t exactly find a plethora of eligible bachelors in my age bracket. Dating websites are scary when you’re old and haven’t been single for over two decades, so, I wasn’t about to do that either.
I finally got the nerve to ask one guy out and he said no. At first, I was kinda devastated but now? Now I’m good with it. I’m actually more than good with it. I’m really, really glad he said no. Super nice guy that he is, he’s not the one for me. Like, that’s blatantly obvious if I think about it with my right mind, but at the time, I just really wanted someone to like me. I was really lonely and I didn’t know how to combat that. I’d pretty much been in and out of serious-ish dating relationships since I was about 14 years old. This was for sure the longest time I had gone without a man in my life since I first started noticing boys. Such a weird feeling.
As time went on, I got over that. I’m still partnerless, but right now, I have zero desire whatsoever to date anyone. Relationships take a lot of work. They also take a lot of time. My life is crazy and busy and messy. Adding someone else to that crazy, busy mess would just make it crazier, busier, and messier. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Especially not me. Not right now.
Plus, I kind of like having the whole bed to myself. I like getting to decide things on my own. I’ve always liked to be in charge and well, now I am. I want to do all the things. I want to visit places I’ve never been and experience things I’ve never done. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe I’ll buy an RV and travel the country. Or spend a year in Europe. Or six months on a Caribbean beach writing the next Great American novel. Maybe I’ll move to wherever my grown kids live and be a full-time grandma. Maybe they won’t want me, and I’ll just come every few months. I don’t really know. But I do know that I have choices and I’m the one who will get to make them.
One of these days, when the kids are gone, and I’m the only one living here, I may change my mind. The idea of growing old alone is still a little bit scary- but not like it was. I’m learning to trust that God will take care of me. That even when I’m afraid, when I don’t understand, when I’m lonely, that I’m not outside of his plan. For right now, that plan does not include a man. A year ago, I didn’t think I could be okay with that but today? Today I am content with single me.